Wednesday, June 24, 2009

I miss her....

I still smile when I think of those days...

She used to sleep beside me every night, sucking noisily from my rug -- I had this dirty looking rug to cover myself and it had bobbles all over it. She loved to suck it until she slept (Like how kids suck their thumb). My mom used to beat her up everytime she noticed this. But, I, dint quite bother. If she liked doing that, I had no problem. When it was just the both of us around, I d let her do whatever she felt like doing.

Quite a nasty thing she was. As the night grows, she would cuddle closer to me and slowly hijack my pillow (:-!) Some time in the early hours of the morning I would realise that she had fully taken over. Quite a nuisance. But a one I loved to deal with.

She was my 6.30AM wake up call and by far the only one who knew how exactly to quickly wake up a sleepy ass like me. I would hear a cry first -- ignore, a weight on my chest next -- ignore and next I d feel a rough lick on my cheek, now that is something I cant handle! I would ve no option but to open my eyes and there should would be, nestled on my chest, grinning at me. Still half asleep I d open one eye, pick her up and open my room's door to let the woman
catwalk down to the kitchen.

Those days were good -- I used to go on with my daily night routine -- Long phone hours with him. And she was there, all throughout the happiness, the passion, the love and my tears... As I built castles in my dreams while he spoke, I became the queen, he my man and she my guard. hah! She would sit up like a lamp post and keep staring at me while I spoke. If I ignored her, she would climb on to me. He once said - 'I wish I was her', I thought - 'U can never be her.But, you ll still have all what you want, and much more'. So, as the both of us walked down the path of our togetherness, she tagged along with me in my

I told him once - 'She's staring at me. Quite intently. Like a threat. I think she is manipulating against me. She would just walk downstairs someday and let my parents know that am chit chatting with a special friend'. He laughed at my assumption. I loved him and loved her too.

When he went away, without even turning back, my castles shattered. My heart broke. I was the queen no more, but she was still my guard. She still snuggled close, maybe to tell me that she was there for me. God bless her for that. I really needed someone to know about things. She did.

My guardian angel! My kitten.... who lived to grow up as a sexy woman, a pet I loved a little too much.

Well, my castles were in dreams. But this woman was no dreamer. She lived in reality and in a few months time bore her man's children. She d come to me with her big tummy and cuddle closer, begging me to rub her tummy. I did so, often. In another 3 months, she gave birth to triplets, three tiny ratlets (like I called them). She suddenly became the princess of my family. Every attention was on her, every hand helping, every eye doting. She was sure shamelessly enjoying all the attention she can take. She would let me keep her ratlets on my palm. I d spend some time with her during her nursing days, telling stories to those eyes which looked at me, all the time. But like all other friendship, ours had to end too.

I moved out to another city for work, away from my house, away from her. Over time, over the distance the bond between us vanished.

A few months ago, my mom called to inform me that my cat passed away, ran over by a car. It hurt me. I cried. and moved on.....

When I think of those days, I miss her.... I wish she was around, to listen to a few more of my stories.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I think....

Everybody wants to eat in a fancy plate, even if the plate doesn't belong to them!

Friday, June 19, 2009

I Confess...

Two days ago, like a confession, I told Kunal and Kruti (My friends) that I have some weird kind of a habit.

'Everytime I look at a newly married girl, I do give her compliments like... 'You look nice!' 'You look Happy' 'Am happy for u' and all that jazz. Genuine Jazz. But, there is something else that runs in my mind when I look at them.

More than twice in the last one month, I caught myself staring at a newly wed girl and wondering 'Is she really happy?' 'Is he right for her?' 'Is she feeling sad about her marriage?' 'Is she being tortured?' -- The point which makes me feel guilty later on is that I ve no clue who her husband is. Is he black. White. Good.
Bad. Nothing!

'Why?' - I asked Kunal and Kruti
Kunal - 'Maybe you are thinking of your own marriage'
With a bulb-switched-on-at-the-back-of-my-head kind of look I said - 'Yes! I am'

So what's with marriage and me?

First thing -- I am not always what people think I am
Sometime in May 2009
Location: Oye Amritsar, bangalore
Occassion: Dinner after a movie, with friends and their friends.

One of the girls who had come with us for the movie (We were absolute strangers) stared at me for a moment and said 'Marriage Material'. I said 'Huh?'. She repeated as though she was spelling things out for a retard -- YOU ARE A MARRIAGE MATERIAL! STRICTLY!
I said - 'I am! Thanks for the compliment!'

At that point I genuinely took that as a compliment. For I strongly felt that these days most of the women I know are too 'not-marriage' material. And, I felt good to be otherwise.

While I was confessing, something stung deep inside me. No, I am not a marriage material. I cant even think of committing to a relationship, forget marriage.

I am wondering if I am too insecure about fitting in a man in my life. The answer is - 'Yes. yEs.YES!'


A friend's sister-in-law:
Me - 'So, how's married life?'
She - 'Good. He is a nice man. But, both of us are different. I realised one thing - Its important to compromise in a marriage. If you let him win, he ll treat u like a human. If u dont, then there s some major dealing with to be done. Give up. Give in. Somehow, live!

(I just asked her a casual question mind you. And I got an entire class on marriage to-do's and Dont-do's and a clear picture of how frustrated she was with the guy she is married to!)

Another Friend:
We ve been in love for over 4 yrs now. Now when its the time to get wed, am wondering if we really should! He s not what he used to be!

Another instance - He was having a tough time with his marriage. He said after all the arguments and fights, he has reached a point where he would just let go of everything. Even his 6 yr long love for her. He said he is numb and behaves like a saint at home. Give me any shit, I ll take it all types.
I said - If i were you, I would make this work. I ll give it my 100%
He said - Well.. Its all good.. in fairy tales. But maybe.. what I live in is called 'reality'
I was hurt. Its pained me for some reason.

Why look outside, my mom and dad have been married for 23 years now. The marriage is still working. Quite well. And it will work until both of them exist. The reason being that my dad thinks my Mom loves him and so he lives with her. My mom thinks my dad loves her and she lives with him. Separately, they are just not made to love each other. Wrong. Wrong. All Wrong.

Since all of these instances are so true, so much on my face, I keep wondering if I really should get married. It would mean a lot of compromise, lot of understanding, giving up, giving in, responsibilities and everything else other than love. If I am ever to get married, I would want to get married for love and live for it. If not, I am better off being the way I am. Life is quite packed now and I kind of like it. Why ruin the fun?

Oh.... not to forget... My mom once told me - 'When you think you have done everything u want to do, had enough fun, roamed as you wish, worked as much as you want, get married. Until then, there s no need'


Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I capture the night, light and motion... all in one frame :)

And.. this is what I got! :)

(That's the streetlight)