Two days ago, like a confession, I told Kunal and Kruti (My friends) that I have some weird kind of a habit.
'Everytime I look at a newly married girl, I do give her compliments like... 'You look nice!' 'You look Happy' 'Am happy for u' and all that jazz. Genuine Jazz. But, there is something else that runs in my mind when I look at them.
More than twice in the last one month, I caught myself staring at a newly wed girl and wondering 'Is she really happy?' 'Is he right for her?' 'Is she feeling sad about her marriage?' 'Is she being tortured?' -- The point which makes me feel guilty later on is that I ve no clue who her husband is. Is he black. White. Good.
Bad. Nothing!
'Why?' - I asked Kunal and Kruti
Kunal - 'Maybe you are thinking of your own marriage'
With a bulb-switched-on-at-the-back-of-my-head kind of look I said - 'Yes! I am'
So what's with marriage and me?
First thing -- I am not always what people think I am
Sometime in May 2009
Location: Oye Amritsar, bangalore
Occassion: Dinner after a movie, with friends and their friends.
One of the girls who had come with us for the movie (We were absolute strangers) stared at me for a moment and said 'Marriage Material'. I said 'Huh?'. She repeated as though she was spelling things out for a retard -- YOU ARE A MARRIAGE MATERIAL! STRICTLY!
I said - 'I am! Thanks for the compliment!'
At that point I genuinely took that as a compliment. For I strongly felt that these days most of the women I know are too 'not-marriage' material. And, I felt good to be otherwise.
While I was confessing, something stung deep inside me. No, I am not a marriage material. I cant even think of committing to a relationship, forget marriage.
I am wondering if I am too insecure about fitting in a man in my life. The answer is - 'Yes. yEs.YES!'
Why?
A friend's sister-in-law:
Me - 'So, how's married life?'
She - 'Good. He is a nice man. But, both of us are different. I realised one thing - Its important to compromise in a marriage. If you let him win, he ll treat u like a human. If u dont, then there s some major dealing with to be done. Give up. Give in. Somehow, live!
(I just asked her a casual question mind you. And I got an entire class on marriage to-do's and Dont-do's and a clear picture of how frustrated she was with the guy she is married to!)
Another Friend:
We ve been in love for over 4 yrs now. Now when its the time to get wed, am wondering if we really should! He s not what he used to be!
Another instance - He was having a tough time with his marriage. He said after all the arguments and fights, he has reached a point where he would just let go of everything. Even his 6 yr long love for her. He said he is numb and behaves like a saint at home. Give me any shit, I ll take it all types.
I said - If i were you, I would make this work. I ll give it my 100%
He said - Well.. Its all good.. in fairy tales. But maybe.. what I live in is called 'reality'
I was hurt. Its pained me for some reason.
Why look outside, my mom and dad have been married for 23 years now. The marriage is still working. Quite well. And it will work until both of them exist. The reason being that my dad thinks my Mom loves him and so he lives with her. My mom thinks my dad loves her and she lives with him. Separately, they are just not made to love each other. Wrong. Wrong. All Wrong.
Since all of these instances are so true, so much on my face, I keep wondering if I really should get married. It would mean a lot of compromise, lot of understanding, giving up, giving in, responsibilities and everything else other than love. If I am ever to get married, I would want to get married for love and live for it. If not, I am better off being the way I am. Life is quite packed now and I kind of like it. Why ruin the fun?
Oh.... not to forget... My mom once told me - 'When you think you have done everything u want to do, had enough fun, roamed as you wish, worked as much as you want, get married. Until then, there s no need'
YES.... I WAS SHOCKED!!!
'Everytime I look at a newly married girl, I do give her compliments like... 'You look nice!' 'You look Happy' 'Am happy for u' and all that jazz. Genuine Jazz. But, there is something else that runs in my mind when I look at them.
More than twice in the last one month, I caught myself staring at a newly wed girl and wondering 'Is she really happy?' 'Is he right for her?' 'Is she feeling sad about her marriage?' 'Is she being tortured?' -- The point which makes me feel guilty later on is that I ve no clue who her husband is. Is he black. White. Good.
Bad. Nothing!
'Why?' - I asked Kunal and Kruti
Kunal - 'Maybe you are thinking of your own marriage'
With a bulb-switched-on-at-the-back-of-my-head kind of look I said - 'Yes! I am'
So what's with marriage and me?
First thing -- I am not always what people think I am
Sometime in May 2009
Location: Oye Amritsar, bangalore
Occassion: Dinner after a movie, with friends and their friends.
One of the girls who had come with us for the movie (We were absolute strangers) stared at me for a moment and said 'Marriage Material'. I said 'Huh?'. She repeated as though she was spelling things out for a retard -- YOU ARE A MARRIAGE MATERIAL! STRICTLY!
I said - 'I am! Thanks for the compliment!'
At that point I genuinely took that as a compliment. For I strongly felt that these days most of the women I know are too 'not-marriage' material. And, I felt good to be otherwise.
While I was confessing, something stung deep inside me. No, I am not a marriage material. I cant even think of committing to a relationship, forget marriage.
I am wondering if I am too insecure about fitting in a man in my life. The answer is - 'Yes. yEs.YES!'
Why?
A friend's sister-in-law:
Me - 'So, how's married life?'
She - 'Good. He is a nice man. But, both of us are different. I realised one thing - Its important to compromise in a marriage. If you let him win, he ll treat u like a human. If u dont, then there s some major dealing with to be done. Give up. Give in. Somehow, live!
(I just asked her a casual question mind you. And I got an entire class on marriage to-do's and Dont-do's and a clear picture of how frustrated she was with the guy she is married to!)
Another Friend:
We ve been in love for over 4 yrs now. Now when its the time to get wed, am wondering if we really should! He s not what he used to be!
Another instance - He was having a tough time with his marriage. He said after all the arguments and fights, he has reached a point where he would just let go of everything. Even his 6 yr long love for her. He said he is numb and behaves like a saint at home. Give me any shit, I ll take it all types.
I said - If i were you, I would make this work. I ll give it my 100%
He said - Well.. Its all good.. in fairy tales. But maybe.. what I live in is called 'reality'
I was hurt. Its pained me for some reason.
Why look outside, my mom and dad have been married for 23 years now. The marriage is still working. Quite well. And it will work until both of them exist. The reason being that my dad thinks my Mom loves him and so he lives with her. My mom thinks my dad loves her and she lives with him. Separately, they are just not made to love each other. Wrong. Wrong. All Wrong.
Since all of these instances are so true, so much on my face, I keep wondering if I really should get married. It would mean a lot of compromise, lot of understanding, giving up, giving in, responsibilities and everything else other than love. If I am ever to get married, I would want to get married for love and live for it. If not, I am better off being the way I am. Life is quite packed now and I kind of like it. Why ruin the fun?
Oh.... not to forget... My mom once told me - 'When you think you have done everything u want to do, had enough fun, roamed as you wish, worked as much as you want, get married. Until then, there s no need'
YES.... I WAS SHOCKED!!!
dear.. i don agree with ur mom.. i would say DONT EVER get married..
ReplyDeleteon a serious note.. yes i know wt ur talking abt .. if u don marry for love then dont marry
Yeah I think so too.. but dont know what's in store :(
ReplyDeleteWell … first of all... Was a good read!
ReplyDeleteI feel like, Marriage cannot run on ‘Adjustment’, but only on ‘Accepting’... Adjustments can work for some time, but not for a life long relationship. As adjustment end up in frustration ( I may not be authenticated person to say this, as I’m not married or haven’t committed any relationship )
I always used to wonder how people chose their partners (some by parents of course he he) . I have seen, people who are in love (committed, selection by their own) used to wonder like anything … “Oh how can she/he chose that gal/guy ... he/she don’t even know her/him … “.. But is that a big deal??
I joined engineering without knowing “what’s there in store” for me. It was just a matter of accepting “I have to clear exams” which made me run through the course .. and that was enough to love the course.
Once I asked one of my friends, “What made you say yes to that proposal “
Answer was: “I dint find any reason to say “NO”. ( that’s it )
In Kerala (at least in Kerala) guy/gal are selected on statistics , sounds funny but it’s a fact.
Pinne just believe in :
“Sambhavichathellam nallathinu …
sambhavikkunnathellaam nallathinu ..
ini sambhavikkunnathum nallathinu .. “
Life has to move on , alle !!
Hmm, well.. i can say this topic can go on and on. But it depends on how well you can handle the relationship. Like we get into our college, but will not be aware of the difficultied we might face in learning new subjects some may take it as a challenge, few may drop it and rest may just pass. But one who take it as a challege grow more stronger i guess. So I think marriage is also one such experience. And please note that all grapes are not sour... :)
ReplyDelete@ Praphul n Poo -- True. This topic can go on n on. No solution really..
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I must say... great improvement in the writing. I could actually read the whole piece without working up a blood pressure :)
ReplyDeleteOn the marriage issue, I really dont think this is an issue that can go on forever without a solution etc. Its really not all that complicated or frustrating if you take complete responsibility for your actions. That of course includes choosing your partner. I personally think its absurd to have your parents chose for you. I don't get it... if you strip the "cultural" and "conditioning" aspects of it, it simply breaks down to a question of would you let your parents decide whome you want to have sex with? If the answer to that is the same as the more sugar coated variety question of "Arranged Marriage", then you have issues with taking responsibility. If someone takes up the responsibility, then you can have that sigh of relief when things are not working out... at least you can console yourself you did not choose them, etc. But really... who are you kidding? After that, as one can expect, your life will be all about trying to walk between the raindrops while its raining. Heck... it would be an EXCEPTION if you do. Its like buying a lottery ticket and getting pissed off for not winning!! And in this case to add fuel to the fire, you've been promised to be the winner if you hop on one leg, shake your ears, pat your head and rub your tummy. "Adjustments" simply will not work with your partner if that's expected of you.
I've read somewhere (and believe) that love is your response to a person's values. They may have numerous values... honesty, rational, emotional, funny, etc... and your collective response to all of them would be love for that person. Now if they posses values that you do not respond to (maybe he likes to kick cute kittens :), then adjusting your values to like such behaviour, because you dont want to fight or whatever, then the one who suffers will be the one who had to forcibly change their values to please the other. But if you have the guts to open up (both the people i mean) and talk about it and why and how and everything, its only natural for one of them to understand and willingly change or erase that value, rather than having it and you "adjusting" with it. In this case either you would accept his trait of kicking kittens as positive, or he would accept his trait as negative. You can never HAPPILY accept his trait as negative and force yourself to ACT positively towards it. If you do that, one by one your ground will start crumbling, and the both of you in due time, will scoot to different areas of the ground that's not shaking and stay there... permanently, far from each other.
Thanks Sony.. And I do agree wit u.. I have heard so many people say that thy chose arranged marriage over love marriage just because they could claim their parents interest in their lives.. And I always thought that the reason for this was that they were too confident that their relationship would not work. Well, there s no helping that feeling!
ReplyDeleteOh! I did have a friend who liked kicking cute kittens. No, he dint try doing it, yet!
Love is your response to a person's values -- NICE! :)