Its dead. I don't know why I am still trying to breathe life into it.

There's in me this new born eagerness to eat tasty food. Not craving, but the urge. Like how some people would want to travel to far away places, read awesome books and things like that. I want to taste variety of delicious food. I love the way the pepper sauce chicken steak melted in my mouth, giving new life to each of my taste-buds. It was gastronomic orgasm, at its best. From then on I am attracted towards the hidden taste in each food item. Everything is tasty and I let myself swim in that moment of glory. For someone who ate just to fill her stomach, I now relish every single bite. I am loving this!

Food to die for: Chicken steak in pepper sauce
Where to find it? Boca Grande, Koramangala, Opp. Bethany High School.

He has a picture of himself as his phone's screen-saver.

Argh, self-obsession. How could I have over-looked that?

About being particular

I always thought myself to be the kind that is never particular about anything. But on paying close attention, I realize that there are these little things I am very particular about. Like:

I am annoyed when I don't get to have cornflakes in 'my' pink bowl. I like my coffee best when its served in the round glass

I am pissed off when my ipod runs of energy during my morning walk to the bus stop. I am very very particular that I walk with music, no matter who is accompanying me. So next time you walk with me and find me all fidgety, please don't judge. I am not crazy, nor do I hate your company. I just need my music, no matter what.

This guy I was dating once asked me 'Are you sure about your dance classes? I could meet you at 4' -- I hated him instantly. Ofcourse am sure, you moron.

I am too particular about completing things I signed up for. It could be just a phone call I said I'd return or a promise I promised.

SO many little things matter so much to me, I let the big things pass. Which to me is a good thing :)

Look good. Feel happy.

To be happy (short-term plans)

I want...

to re-start salsa classes
a friend to swim with
the best friend to come back to Bangalore
to travel a bit (I def. need to earn more to afford this)
to make more money
to be careless
to lose weight
a white cotton pant and a blue shirt
to write more often

NOTE TO SELF: Most of these are definitely and easily doable. Do it!

Being a teetotaler in Bangalore is like being a virgin in Moulin Rouge -- people just don't know how to deal with you.

Frustation

Dealing with people was once a strength of mine. But now, it definitely is not. I have changed, evolved maybe, and the new me is to-the-point, cut-the-crap, you-give-me-shit-i-give-you-shitloads type. Arrogance, some might say. But for me its the best mode of survival. In my past life if I had to give back to a mean person, I would cry. Cry out of anger. A whole war will happen inside my head but nothing will be shown out. Doormat, you could say.

But today things have changed. I can't stand anybody being mean, to anybody. I fight for myself and for others if I can.

This change makes me feel better but the truth is, I am not being liked by many people anymore. Short-tempered, many say. Arrogant, some think. But its just the same me. The only change that's happened is that there's a little more of me and a little less of 'you'. In other words, I am what 'you' have always been. So full of 'yourself'. The sweetness in me has not reduced. Not one bit. The bear-ability has reduced. But after 24 years of putting up with other people's shortcomings are my own, isn't it only fair that I be the way I am now?

I love you. And I always will.

He touched me with his index finger and told me 'Oh my god, this is true. I am actually sitting right next to the girl I have been wanting to talk to since many months!'
My guy friend mumbled 'He just wants to screw'

Where the **** do I get the book named 'Men, what they say, what they mean, what their real motive is'?

Maybe I sound like an aging kill joy, but the new year's eve party I was at made me feel like I do not belong to this era.

Anger is valueless if it doesn't last long.

The place I come from -- a small heaven named Coimbatore -- there was no dating culture. You see someone, you love them and then the rest of the time you are waiting to get married.

The place I now live in -- an almost metropolitan giant named Bangalore -- love is almost non-existent. You see someone, correction, u check them out. If they fit your 'he/she is hot' bill, you ask them out. Not to get married, mind you. You want to date, and that date has no promised expiry date. It could be one year, it could be ten years. During 'that' period, you try and see if you can fall in love with that person or not. If you do, you get married. If you don't, you move on.

I miss my Coimbatore and the innocent love that lives there. The kind of love that needs no tests to prove it sustainability. It looks like that little town believes in taking chances in life, unlike here where everybody wants to be extra safe, and in the process screw up love and their lives.

Heartache

2011

Salsa. Again.
Guitar Lessons
Swim more
Meet more people
Make male friends who will save me from a bouncer/gangster
Female friends who will not give me solutions. I only want to crib and want them to listen. I know the solutions to all my problems. Almost.
Let go. Move on.

Counting Blessings

It's Jan. 01, and I am all alone in a house I share with friends. It's dark in here. I tried to sleep. Couldn't. I feel depression slowly seeping into my bones. At this moment in I feel extremely unlucky, lost, unloved.

To wade the sneering depression away, I come up with a plan. To count blessings.

I have a father who thinks I look cute in a kind-of-skimpy two-inch-above-the-knee dress after I get back from a party at 01.30 AM, a mom who thinks that I ve been the luckiest thing that's ever happened to her, a sister who pounces on anybody who calls me fat, a few loans but a job that pays them off, a rack full of shoes, a wardrobe overfilled. A laptop to type, a slow but decent internet connection, a mac eyeliner -- wait a minute. I already feel better.

It's Jan. 01, and I am all alone in a house I share with friends. I ve counted nearly 10 blessings in 2 minutes. At this moment in time, I feel extremely lucky, found, loved.

Happy new year all!