I closed all doors, except one.

>>I don't want you to find it.
>>or, do I?

I am terrified that someday my headphones' plug will come out without warning and the sidey songs I listen to will play out loud for all of Aol. to hear.

>>maanguile poonguyile, Mel isaiye
>>i love sidey!

My memory goes through an annual overhaul of sorts, after which I have mostly forgotten the previous year's terrible people and terrible times.

>>programmed to be happy
>>new discovery

Apparently tying yourself to someone is liberating.

>>irony
>>happy

On a jobless day, while my team mate is watching youtube videos of Cake making, I am watching videos of Subaru's new bombshell of a car.

>>Differences
>>DO you see why I cannot get married yet?

25th!

When you are happy, everything else is!

Me: :* :* :* - Because I want to...
He: :* :* :* - Because you wanted to...

Can love happen overnight?
>>yes.

Can love vanish overnight?
>>no.

25th coming up!

>>yohoo!
>>really?

I bought a dress which will not fit me if I happen to gain a few more grams.

>>Fitness goals
>>pushing it?

I did not pray today. My day was better than everyday for the past 6 months.

>>sign?
>>test of faith?

Am awake so that I can talk to him when he gets free.

>>Muttal, me.
>>I love, you.

My first perfume - Gucci Flora

Ok, I hate the name Flora. Its so gay. Should have been something else but hey...

>>happy
>>smelling nice!

I don't know if I gave him false hopes.
I don't know if he was trying to make me feel stupid.

>>wondering
>>men, i can never be sure

I missed you. Terribly. I wanted to hold you. To tell you how much I love you.
So I went for a 2 hour long walk instead.

>>letting go

Life always gives me little luxuries I don't care about and it never (EveR) gives me those little things I could die for.

>>irony

I lovvvvvvve Sex and the City.

>>confession

What if life gave you a second chance?

>>I'd still mess it up.

How I save money...

(Ishu is the younger sister)

Ishu - let's buy a car!
Me - **did you just say that**look. where will the money come from?
Ishu - oh ok. Lets buy a laptop then!
Me - Podee
Ishu - atleast a hard disk?
Me - thu...
Ishu - one pen drive then?
Me - **ignore**

>>waiting for it to reach 'let's buy nothing' :D
>>smartass!

First grey hair and reality just hit me hard. I am growing old. There is so much more to do.

>>old?
>>why?!?!

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life.

I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.”

I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back.

I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.

I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.

People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

― Maya Angelou

(taken from a rabbit. a yellow one)
Re-taken/Stolen from kan

No, I don't want you to feel sorry for yourself. I want you to curse yourself.

>>karma

You are what you let the other person think of you.

>>philosophy

I very rarely find the necessity of another human being.

>>anti-human?

If I am in trouble, I will call my brave self only.

>>Self-sufficient, and proudly so.

Salsa

>>I love you

As I grow older I am convinced that I ll be the happiest if I wake up with a kind man than a hot one.

>>convinced
>>growing up
>>beauty is only skin deep, really :)

This guy keeps checking me out.

a. He thinks am pretty.
b. He thinks am fat and ugly.

I ll take option a. Thank you very much.

>>blush blush

I very rarely wish people on their birthdays on Facebook. Mostly I ignore FB birthdays.

Am I a horrible human being?

>>skeptical

Chennai Times...

It takes very very little to make me very very happy. Why did you not try?

>>incredibly hurt

I can't help but feel that I've only used about 40% of my potential till date. That's 25 years put together. There's so much more am capable of doing!

>>depressed

I am bugged with my job and Bangalore -- want to go live in a different country. Amidst brand new people! It would be so much like a brand new life.

Change. Change is what I am craving for. Madly. Deeply. Desperately.

**Change - come to me baby, now!**

Working out is so much for the mind.

In the process you just tone up. I can't vouch for losing weight, but thanks to the working out, I am toning. Down to a 32 from 36 :) and I cannot be happier. Its still a long way to go, but I see hope.

I am happier. I can feel the blood rush to my brain. I sleep well and I love me for taking care of my body :)

Its cruel when electricity dies off when you are in the middle of watching 'Dance with me'. Come on, he was just starting to dance!!! come backkk

Happy Birthday Sunshine! :)

'I always thought that there are so many guys in the office who've had a crush on you'

when? where? how? bummer! did i miss some possible candidate? heh :D

Pennin manam aanil vizha vendum, vidhi dhan maaradhu.

vidhi.
vidhi.

Its not ok.

Who told you it was?

How dare you thought it was.

Bastard.

(to the moron who told me that am fat and shouldn't be bothered about it at all. fuck you!)

No matter how independent I claim myself to be, I quite like it when someone takes care of me.

Blackberry is awesome!

So awesome that you can keep in touch with everybody! and never miss them.

(... and never like them more than you already do!)

To the girl with that horribly 'puncture-your-lungs-by-not-breathing' & 'bend-and-i-ll-see-your-bum' tight dress and vertigo inducing sky high heels :

Is that pretty guy really worth all this torture?

In the urge to prove to the world that he is awesome, he loses that very quality, one chunk at a time. As he turns into ordinary from extra-ordinary, I can't help but feel sorry.

You were awesome.

I think the human heart or mind, whichever that is that deals with emotions and relationships, is like a storage unit with racks starting from the bottom and moving up to infinity.

As an when people come into our lives, we unknowing place them in one of the racks. But then again, two people never share the same place.

When that particular person is kind to you, he/she moves a level up. And when unkindness hurts, the person who caused you that, moves down one level or many levels.

Heart, that way, is quite spacious. It can accommodate everybody, from the old woman you saw begging on the road the other day to the person who you truly love.

So, if you want to move up to the level where you automatically enter the heart's innermost chamber, be kind.

Otherwise ofcourse there are so o many racks down down down there. Your pick! :)

Nobody likes to be told how horrible they are, no matter the level of horribleness.

Kindness is under-rated. So is anger.

As I approach 25, I cant help but feel that I should be doing a lot more in life. Time to refresh, do something and stop feeling this way!

Numerologist - (with an I-am-so-smart look on his face) Do you know what will happen if you followed my advice and wrote your name 10000 times everyday?

Dad - Ofcourse, I ll know my name by-heart. :P

Numerologist - awestruck with a did-he-really-say-that kinda look!

hahaha joker dad... lovvvvvvvvvvee

Its been a while since I wrote something/anything substantial, and I am not so happy to admit that life hasn't moved much since then. Nothing life changing has happened yet.

I still wake up late. Quit corn flakes. Laugh like a maniac for jokes (or no jokes) at work. Work like a workaholic maniac. Get back home and not sleep.

I still have terrible sleeping problems. The sleep I carry with me throughout the day vanishes the moment I hit the bed. I've never understood why. All kinds of thoughts creep in... love, angst, craving, guilt, repentance, god-knows-what-the-fuck, everything... and I find myself wide awake until about 3 AM. Years and years of being alive has still not taught me that life cannot be sorted out in one night -- especially when that night is spent on thinking about where I messed up or where life messed me up. I am still waiting for the day when I will finally learn to take a chill pill. Pray for me, one and all.

Sooo.

Last month was quite dramatic, for all the wrong reasons I cannot mention here. The drama having drained out, a few years feel worthless. But then that's something I ve learned to live with. I guess.

I feel like a change. Maybe a different country? ya, that would be great! But I see no signs of a relocation and no signs of dough for a half decent vacation. So once again, am kind of stuck,

But the good things is, I still have atleast about 10 blessings to count and I think that's awesome! Life's not so bad afterall.

I am getting a blackberry. I don't know if I can handle that much of 'keeping-in-touch' with the world. Limbo is my land. Let's see if the BB can do anything to change that.

Then... I still have trouble flirting. I don't feel like it. Atleast I have moved on from not wanting to. That's good news again.

I walk a lot these days -- good news. I haven't lost even half a gram of weight -- terrible news.

So that all the 'news' I had. What's up people?

If you are listening to this, say 'Aye!' (just so that I don't feel like a schizophrenic!)

So... time for happy posts? :)

"Story Weaver, Oh Story Weaver - Would you weave me a happy story?'" she asked with complete faith
"Ofcourse I will" lied the almighty.
Bastard.

It suddenly feels so easy to let go. Easy Peasy.

In elation and in grief,
In dreams and in nightmares,
In love and in hate,
In passion and in pain,
In yesterday and in today.

I will fall out too, just like you.

Things I can live without

- Alcohol
- Dirty House
- Taxing People
- Taxing Government
- Unnecessary phone calls & sms
- Drama post Cricket
- Shoe bite
- Kaamchors
- Robotic Humans
- Human Robots
- Weight reduction tips

My NOT Favorites

- Tight Clothes :-/
- Fussy People
- Weightists (like Racists)
- Polygamists
- Papaya (Yuck)
- Mustard Sauce (Yuck. Gag. Puke)
- Pet Fishes (Too much responsibility)
- Responsibilities
- XS & Size 0
- Fake, anything
- Diet Coke
- Lamb Meat
- People who talk a lot
- Missing sock

My Favorites

- Dark Purple Anything
- Looooong walks with my ipod playing some sidey Tollywood number.
- My blue and black striped shirt
- That 100 rupee purple chappals
- Aol.
- The God of Small Things
- Nimbooz
- Bitter rich coffee
- Corner House Mocha Ice-cream
- Boca Grande
- Sitting and gaping at the beach
- The beautiful ring, from dad
- Swimming, forever and ever
- Salsa
- Surprises
- My Kohl pencil
- Burjee Pav (Mumbai)
- Cricket (Very recent addition)
- Kanfoundit & yetanotherbloomingblog

"You think I should stop irritating you, let go and move on? Maybe date a nice someone and settle? I don't know if I can, but I know that I should. I guess I just want to hear it from you. I am unnecessarily stuck no? What to do?" she asked... hoping that he would say no.

'Yeah... let go' he said.

I have my version of a story for everybody I see.
A story that's not necessarily similar to their own. Funny funny, when I think of it :)

Is starting to use a human being. Not happening sow. Not happening at all.

I want to reach the moon. But the thought of going so far away from where I belong depresses me.

In planning, I lose time.

I am so pre-occupied these days, I can sit in one corner for 24 hours straight and feel like I've been too busy doing too many things.
Time to get my thought process in control. I want to be busy only when am busy doing things. Not when am just sitting alone and just thinking.

When the tired old man got out of his car and thrashed the traffic-senseless lorry driver with all his might, the gym fit youngster was busy watching a Hollywood film on his laptop.

Its dead. I don't know why I am still trying to breathe life into it.

There's in me this new born eagerness to eat tasty food. Not craving, but the urge. Like how some people would want to travel to far away places, read awesome books and things like that. I want to taste variety of delicious food. I love the way the pepper sauce chicken steak melted in my mouth, giving new life to each of my taste-buds. It was gastronomic orgasm, at its best. From then on I am attracted towards the hidden taste in each food item. Everything is tasty and I let myself swim in that moment of glory. For someone who ate just to fill her stomach, I now relish every single bite. I am loving this!

Food to die for: Chicken steak in pepper sauce
Where to find it? Boca Grande, Koramangala, Opp. Bethany High School.

He has a picture of himself as his phone's screen-saver.

Argh, self-obsession. How could I have over-looked that?

About being particular

I always thought myself to be the kind that is never particular about anything. But on paying close attention, I realize that there are these little things I am very particular about. Like:

I am annoyed when I don't get to have cornflakes in 'my' pink bowl. I like my coffee best when its served in the round glass

I am pissed off when my ipod runs of energy during my morning walk to the bus stop. I am very very particular that I walk with music, no matter who is accompanying me. So next time you walk with me and find me all fidgety, please don't judge. I am not crazy, nor do I hate your company. I just need my music, no matter what.

This guy I was dating once asked me 'Are you sure about your dance classes? I could meet you at 4' -- I hated him instantly. Ofcourse am sure, you moron.

I am too particular about completing things I signed up for. It could be just a phone call I said I'd return or a promise I promised.

SO many little things matter so much to me, I let the big things pass. Which to me is a good thing :)

Look good. Feel happy.

To be happy (short-term plans)

I want...

to re-start salsa classes
a friend to swim with
the best friend to come back to Bangalore
to travel a bit (I def. need to earn more to afford this)
to make more money
to be careless
to lose weight
a white cotton pant and a blue shirt
to write more often

NOTE TO SELF: Most of these are definitely and easily doable. Do it!

Being a teetotaler in Bangalore is like being a virgin in Moulin Rouge -- people just don't know how to deal with you.

Frustation

Dealing with people was once a strength of mine. But now, it definitely is not. I have changed, evolved maybe, and the new me is to-the-point, cut-the-crap, you-give-me-shit-i-give-you-shitloads type. Arrogance, some might say. But for me its the best mode of survival. In my past life if I had to give back to a mean person, I would cry. Cry out of anger. A whole war will happen inside my head but nothing will be shown out. Doormat, you could say.

But today things have changed. I can't stand anybody being mean, to anybody. I fight for myself and for others if I can.

This change makes me feel better but the truth is, I am not being liked by many people anymore. Short-tempered, many say. Arrogant, some think. But its just the same me. The only change that's happened is that there's a little more of me and a little less of 'you'. In other words, I am what 'you' have always been. So full of 'yourself'. The sweetness in me has not reduced. Not one bit. The bear-ability has reduced. But after 24 years of putting up with other people's shortcomings are my own, isn't it only fair that I be the way I am now?

I love you. And I always will.

He touched me with his index finger and told me 'Oh my god, this is true. I am actually sitting right next to the girl I have been wanting to talk to since many months!'
My guy friend mumbled 'He just wants to screw'

Where the **** do I get the book named 'Men, what they say, what they mean, what their real motive is'?

Maybe I sound like an aging kill joy, but the new year's eve party I was at made me feel like I do not belong to this era.

Anger is valueless if it doesn't last long.

The place I come from -- a small heaven named Coimbatore -- there was no dating culture. You see someone, you love them and then the rest of the time you are waiting to get married.

The place I now live in -- an almost metropolitan giant named Bangalore -- love is almost non-existent. You see someone, correction, u check them out. If they fit your 'he/she is hot' bill, you ask them out. Not to get married, mind you. You want to date, and that date has no promised expiry date. It could be one year, it could be ten years. During 'that' period, you try and see if you can fall in love with that person or not. If you do, you get married. If you don't, you move on.

I miss my Coimbatore and the innocent love that lives there. The kind of love that needs no tests to prove it sustainability. It looks like that little town believes in taking chances in life, unlike here where everybody wants to be extra safe, and in the process screw up love and their lives.

Heartache

2011

Salsa. Again.
Guitar Lessons
Swim more
Meet more people
Make male friends who will save me from a bouncer/gangster
Female friends who will not give me solutions. I only want to crib and want them to listen. I know the solutions to all my problems. Almost.
Let go. Move on.

Counting Blessings

It's Jan. 01, and I am all alone in a house I share with friends. It's dark in here. I tried to sleep. Couldn't. I feel depression slowly seeping into my bones. At this moment in I feel extremely unlucky, lost, unloved.

To wade the sneering depression away, I come up with a plan. To count blessings.

I have a father who thinks I look cute in a kind-of-skimpy two-inch-above-the-knee dress after I get back from a party at 01.30 AM, a mom who thinks that I ve been the luckiest thing that's ever happened to her, a sister who pounces on anybody who calls me fat, a few loans but a job that pays them off, a rack full of shoes, a wardrobe overfilled. A laptop to type, a slow but decent internet connection, a mac eyeliner -- wait a minute. I already feel better.

It's Jan. 01, and I am all alone in a house I share with friends. I ve counted nearly 10 blessings in 2 minutes. At this moment in time, I feel extremely lucky, found, loved.

Happy new year all!